I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
