She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
