The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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