Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
