I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
