xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
