Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
