a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
