Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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