OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
