She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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