Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
