She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
