Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
40s are totally the cure
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
