i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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