Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
