to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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