you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
