ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
