nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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