proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
