how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize