I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
