He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
