just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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