If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize