Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
