im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
