just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
