dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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