peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
