If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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