Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
