ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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