Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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