there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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