dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
