Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
