and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize