Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize