saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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