thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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