Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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