If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
