I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found puke in my bra..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
