grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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