I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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