how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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