I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
