i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize