I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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