She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
