she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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