Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
