I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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