Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
