If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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