I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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