before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
