I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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