she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
